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Note from 2004:
There haven't been as many business oriented funnies the past 3 years. "Dilbert" turned out to be a documentary on the 90's, and business ineptitude and greed just wasn't as funny when unemployment reached 20-30% in our upper-middle-class neighborhoods. But we have a few funnies collected during this time, so here they are. We would love it if you would send us any you come across. We'll post any of them that won't lose us clients!
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a REALLY BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing thru a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Subject: A new enemy on the run
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT- (2002)
BAND OF ROVING CHIEF EXECUTIVES SPOTTED MILES FROM MEXICAN BORDER
San Antonio, Texas (Rooters). Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred it's underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!,' they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted. So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."
THE COWS (2003)
DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
SiliconValleySearch.com's Observations of the
Top 11 Best Things That Happened to
Silicon Valley in 2001
11. 50-80% of Bay Area headhunters went out of business
10. 50%+ of "Management Consultants" similarly gone
9. Layoff announcements no longer make stocks prices go up
8. Great time for a new car, house, or mortgage
7. Experience counts
6. No more scooters
5. Double-digit PE ratios
4. The big campus curse is alive and well in the 3rd millenium
3. Sand Hill Road
was appropriately named
2. Mergers and acquisitions questioned for a change, and...
1. "Starbuck's and yoga just doesn't do it anymore."
(Tim Russert, NBC)
Note from December 2000:
There weren't too many high-tech funnies this year. Maybe it was because we all held our breath for the Nasdaq to fall, the election to end, the Oracle implementation budget to triple, or the dot-coms to morph. Anyway, the best stuff was political. And since the three partners of SiliconValleySearch.com each voted for three different candidates, our best humor stuff from this year is sure to misrepresent one of the others. So, we'll just skip that.
Our humble offering for a holiday update are the following jpegs. That's all we got. If anyone has any good current tech humor that isn't copyrighted, send it in! Maybe it will make our Easter update.
In the meanwhile, we wish you a splendid 2001!
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Design winner- Best Hand's-Free Cell Phone Kit |
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From
1999: Y2K Observations The Math on Salaries Top 50 Signs You Know You're living in 1999 Comprehending Engineers The Toaster Tale: Product Development at it's best The Enterprising MBA Blonde Engineer's Y to K Project The Tech's New Exhibits Right Click Windows Haiku Girlfriend/Wife Upgrade MS Target Practice |
"Hi. |
|
Still here from
1998: Dating/Marrying A Consultant When to get out of Consulting Managed Care Friendship Plan Silicon Valley Beverly Hillbillies MS New TV Dinner Product Computers and the Movies Computer Heaven/Hell MS Acquires Federal Governement Salary Negotiations Computers Must be Females/Males Time Management: The Big Rocks More On Consultants New Words and Phrases For the 90's Software Testing Stress Diet Top 50 Oxymorons If MS Built Cars Famous Predictions by Experts Tech Support Overworked Special High Intensity Training Bill Gates Wealth Index Resume and Cover Letters U.S. Assumptions |
Held over from the
Interviews from Hell (HR
reports)
|
Overheard from a software engineer:
"I've finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is causing so
much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn't
exactly one of our classic strengths.".
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
*********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
***********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work
done."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
**********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and
Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
"I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because to be honest, none of the panic surrounding this "Y to K" date problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting the source code in all the company's programs so that they are ready for the new dates with the following new months:
Januark; Februark; Mak; Julk and days:
Mondak; Tuesdak; Wednesdak; Thursdak; Fridak; Saturdak; Sundak,
Years were a breeze, since they are only spelled out in the Legal department's applications, and won't be affected until two thousand and twentk anyway.
Please note that have I completed my assignment before the scheduled due date and way under budget. I have enjoyed working for you and hope you will consider me for future projects."
As most of you know, The New Tech Museum has just opened up in San Jose and it's a pretty cool place, but I think that if they really wanted to capture life in the Silicon Valley, they could've done a lot worse than including any of the following:
1. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course: You have 2 hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well buckle yourself into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech museum offers several race courses to choose from: Try the "880 Endurance Course"! Hey! You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery Puddle at The Alameda on-ramp, and you're finally up to 25 mph! You'll make Brokaw road in no time. But look out! 101 merges into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two lanes AT THE SAME TIME! Who designed this nutty course? Or try the "17 Face Off of Doom"! You're behind one truck in the right lane going 21 mph. The truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many hours it will be before you can pass both trucks! Or try the 680 "Trail of Tears"! You've got to make it from Pleasanton to Fremont with only one full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don't forget the inept Caltrans contractors who block off lanes for no reason at all!
2. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator: Ever wonder what it's like to work eighty hours a week? You can now experience blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of Jolt Cola addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator! Hey, who are those strangers claiming to be your family? They're just part of the mysteries you'll experience at the Tech Museum!
3. The "Find Help At Fry's" Cyber-Challenge: Don your Virtual Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley's favorite electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you. It's not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone, you still have to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once you get help, the challenge isn't over! You still have to avoid the "Let me get my manager" monster, endure the perpetual "Humans as Cattle" cash register corral, and make it past the paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity search! Youch!
4. The Valley Fair Parking Space Scavenger Hunt: Your mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the Valley's most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space within a one mile radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope to make this scavenger hunt even more challenging when we violate the laws of conservation of mass with the addition of the Town and Country Monument to Bad City Management!
5. Sell or Die: Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this interactive game designing and marketing superior, technically-advanced products that fill a niche and meet a need. But wait! The fun is just starting! It's time to play "Sell or Die"! Kids get to choose whether they will let themselves be bought out by the "innovative" Microsoft, or whether they will resist the urge and have their products undersold by Microsoft's inferior competing products! The fun is in seeing how long "you" can last in the face of unfair marketing practices. The last player to go bankrupt paying their legal bills wins! Extra points for kids who survive long enough to testify in front of the Justice Department!
6. Mr. Jobs' Wild Ride: Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and experience the wildest roller coaster ride of your life! Just when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall, swerve wildly and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for now)! And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one all-powerful and unpredictable hippy-turned-power player-turned-exile-turned-interim CEO for life! And look out! The Larry Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You'll lose your lunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs out as you freefall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop of Death! Riders can then regain their composure looking at the...
7. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries: Get up close
and personal with Valley history by reading over fifteen years of stories
lamenting the imminent death of everyone's favorite fruit company! With all
that circling, don't buzzards ever get dizzy?
Japanese haiku poetry. Each has only
17 syllables.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the
rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and
bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger
over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger
with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be
at your end!"
1999
TOP TEN ways to know you are dating/married to a
consultant
1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "Win-Win situations"
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points
3. Can't be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)
4. Celebrate anniversary by conducting a performance review
5. Ends any argument by saying "let's talk about this offline"
6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day"
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period"
You know it is time to get out of consulting when...
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with
six other people you don't know.
Welcome to PeopleCare Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships at work. With all the recent mergers and buyouts, it is difficult for most people to determine who their real friends are anymore. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with company-approved representation and important cost-saving features.
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Gossiping
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Joshing
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Partying
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Ribbing
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
- Teasing
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Sexual favors
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
Disclaimer:
SiliconValleySearch is comprised of folks like you who get a ton of jokes
via e-mail. If we have violated anyone's copyrighted material, please advise
us ASAP so that we can rectify the situation. The great graphics we have
credited on our
Home
page. We are assuming the jokes are public property unless notified
otherwise.
Singalong
to the tune of Beverly
Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)
The problem with the rat race is that even when you've won, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
What's the difference between God and Larry Ellison?
God knows he isn't Larry Ellison.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER
PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and...
Things You Learn About Computers From The
Movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner?" " I don't know, let's check." It's the murder weapon!". "Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. No, just some comic books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves..."
(And LJT's contribution from "The Net": If you're a babe like Sandra Bullock, you can surf on your laptop at high noon on a Mexican Beach. Not only can you see the display, you don't even need sunglasses. And apparently your wireless modem is working great in Mexico in 1993. So when the great-looking guy approaches you with the classic pick-up line : "Hacker?", you can appear sophisticated by responding, "Isn't everyone?")
Computer Heaven and
Hell
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 24, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related anouncement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft:
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software
for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide
range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each
designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people
to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society
every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity
for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States
is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
You can have your stock options, your expense accounts, and your other "bennies", but MY company offers...
The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years-say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer responded, "Of course... but you started it!"
TOP
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALES:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "bad command or filename" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE
MALE:
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to, and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel that they've already invested so much in the damn thing that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
Time Management: The Big Rocks of Life
As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said, "Yes."
Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he smiled and asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"
By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!"
Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
A man was driving along a country road in a porsche, and saw a farmer leaning
on the fence watching the world go by. He stopped to talk to the farmer.
"If I tell you how exactly how many sheep there are in this paddock, will
you give me one? If I get it wrong, you can have the porsche."
"Go ahead" says the farmer.
"327 sheep", he says.
"Wow", replies the farmer. "That's right."
The driver jumps into the paddock and picks up one of the sheep.
The farmer then says, "Double or quits. If I guess your occupation and get
it wrong you can have all the sheep in the paddock. If I guess right, I get
the car."
"You're on"
"You're a consultant."
The passer-by, stunned, says "That's amazing. How did you guess?"
Farmer: "It's easy. You came uninvited, told me what I already know, and
charged me for it. And by the way, that's a sheepdog under your arm."
How many McKinsey consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Why do consulting companies prohibit sex between consultants and their
clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot
be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about the rates for a study. "Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge $50.00 for three questions", replied the consultant.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"
New Definitions for the 90's
1."COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
2."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
3."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
4."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
5."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.
6."DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
7."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
8."CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
9."APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
10."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.
11."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
12."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
13."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
14."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
15."I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.
16."I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.
18."MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
19."I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.
20."I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
22."I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.
23."I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.
24."I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.
25."I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
* Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
* Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
* Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
* Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
* Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
* Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
* SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
* Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
* Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
* Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
* Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
* Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
* Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
* Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
* Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
* Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
* Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
* Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
* Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
* GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
* Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
* Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
* Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
* Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
NEW YORK--- "People for Ethical Treatment of Software" (PETS) announced today that more software companies have been added to the group's watch list of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. "It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.
THE
STRESS DIET
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 piece whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk
LUNCH
4oz lean broiled chicken
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER
2 loaves of garlic bread
1 large pepperoni pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Ways
1 entire cheescake, eaten directly from freezer
FAMOUS PREDICTIONS ....BY EXPERTS
"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market." --Business Week, August 2, 1968
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." --Lee DeForest, inventor
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
* Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
* Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year."
* The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
* Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting
on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
* Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
* A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal
Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
* H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way
out."
* Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built
with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll
give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for
you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said,
'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
* Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
* Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
* Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
* Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
* Bill Gates, 1981
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring...Ring....Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring...Ring. . . . . . . . . .
"Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now..."
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
"Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world."
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
"Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway."
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)
"Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours."
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
"Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours."
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
"Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers."
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
"Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise. "
Overworked...
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million, 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. YOU AND ME.
...And you're sitting there playing around on the net.
Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. lists, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be intersted in job training of others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)
Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
Bill Gates Wealth Index
Most people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman (http://www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp) Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars. He certainly knows how to make money.
Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.* Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.
We're assuming about 4 seconds to bend down and pocket the bill. Of course he can afford to hire people to follow him and pick up any $500 bills he may drop. Not that he would, fortunately he doesn't quite think of his wealth or time this way.
It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S. treasury-they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills-and he would need to have a quick hand-to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.
The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only had to leave behind $5 bills.
Bill Gates Dollars
Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours. Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's "63 cents."
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? "A penny."
A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California? "Two dollars."
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy _the team_ for *100 Bill-bills*.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
21. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
22. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
23. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
24. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
25. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
26. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
27. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
U. S. Assumptions (a true story?)
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Interviews from Hell
From Bob Levey's Washington Post column:
"We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget.
Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd
disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years
beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy
of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only,
stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do l start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder
and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While
hewas
putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder
four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
Dvorak (from Dvorak's column in MicroTimes, 6/24/96), with additions from cyberspace.
If IBM made toasters...
(**the latest versions**)
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting.
IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters.(**The catchy ad campaign would be
entitled "Toasters for a Small Planet"- featuring IBM's incredible success
in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic
Games**).
If Microsoft made
toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy
a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to
pay for it anyway. Toaster 95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nontheless would buy them since most of the
good bread works with their toasters.
If Apple made
toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier(**and inexplicably never become a major
market
contender**)
.
If Xerox made
toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices
would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
**If Oracle Made
Toasters...
They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands
and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
was still in development, the Croissant extension was 3 years away, and that
indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.
**If Sun made
toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cup
of Java.
**If Hewlett-Packard made
toasters...
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
**If TRW Corporation made
toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black
cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would
have an episode about it.
**If Sony made
toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice
of bread it is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt but
you need to buy a model for every variety of bread you need to toast.
**If Andersen Consulting made toasters...
It
would be the first fully integrated, holistic, re-engineered, simple (yet
radical), interpersonal-communicational-leveraging and visionary wheat product
toaster offering on the market, coming without the risk of carbonation
degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of
worldwide breadth, helping to deliver domestic food services for enterprise-wide
value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in an impactful
environment, which is strategically based, industry focused, and aligned
with your family's mission, vision, and core values.
OS
Beers
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener and to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally, only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's nolonger available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the
cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.
The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask
about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice
on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturer) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's more suds than beer. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer and suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8oz. to
64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you
try
to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Object Value
In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of
WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found" meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don'tbother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Juice A Brick
To recharge the big, heavy NiCad batteries used in portable video cameras. "You better start juicing those bricks, we've got a long shoot tomorrow."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Shopper-Lifting
When a store's electronic scanner (usually inadvertantly) prices an item higher than the price on the store's shelf or in an advertisement.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what
time do we squirt the
bird?"
Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Batmobiling
Putting up an emotional shield just as a relationship enters that intimate vulnerable stage. Refers to the retractable armor covering the Batmobile.
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Midair Passenger Exchange
Grim air traffic-controller speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are immediately followed by "aluminum rain."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Vomit Cone
A plane used to simulate zero-G for astronaut flight training. Trainees often get motion sickness inside.
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Begathon
A TV or radio fund-raiser for a charity, religious organization, or PBS station that employs every known form of guilt, sweet talking, and outrightbegging to get people to fork over the dough.
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from webbrowsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Client-Server Action
Geek euphamism for having sex. "I went to the Oracle party the other night hoping for some client-server action."
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
SNIGLETS
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)
n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Bill Gates suddenly dies, and finds himself face to face with God.
God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on
this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you
to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly Windows '95, among other indiscretions.... I believe I'll do
something I've never done before, I'll let YOU decide where you want to
go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
briefly explain the difference between the two?"
Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you
visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you
choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first."
So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to
Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and
clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came
across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of
smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought,
but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "If I have
to choose only one, I believe I'll take Hell, sir."
And with that, a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke again appeared,
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone-thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked Bill.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish anddisappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
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